28 January 2012
Stand at ease, men. That includes all of you dressed up in your wife's clothes too. I don't suppose I can tempt you with another mince pie, can I? Thought not. Well that's Christmas excess over again and all that's left are the numerous presents we've all received from our loved ones; except those amongst you who are social misfits with no friends. This year, as I no longer have Ian to satisfy my every whim, Mahendra stepped into the breach and bought all the items on my Amazon wish list and George and Bob brought enough wine to bathe in; although I preferred to drink it personally.
Not surprisingly, Santa couldn't find my stockings so didn't leave his usual range of materialistic items for me because S'manfa was wearing my stockings - and suspenders, corsetry, dresses, make-up, etc. I'm beginning to wonder if he's (Sam) one of the Neither Sex I've been reading about as he always visits dressed as a man and then dresses up in my clothes; I just wish I knew who he was. You've probably been reading and giggling about that lunatic couple too who've decided to dress their young son up in pink tutus until he becomes a stroppy teenager and won't do as he/she's told so this genetic experiment is doomed to failure. And good luck with that when you're old, feeble and grey and he/she punishes you by taking all your money and sticking you into a nursing home to repay you for all the ridicule, bullying and humiliation he/she suffered as a child at the hands of his/her school friends, teachers, dinner-ladies and general public at large. Now you'll suffer exactly the same sort of torment at the hands of those paid to take care of you but over a much longer timescale.
Sam/S'manfa tells me he's in danger of being sacked by The Home Office because of redundancies, or incompetence to give it its technical term, so I've advised him to go into work dressed up in women's clothes and tell everyone that he's undergoing sex-change therapy and is looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend. Let's see them sack her/him then! Can't you just imagine the strained look of delight and discomfort on the face of the Department Equality and Diversity Obergruppenfuhrer when S'manfa relates the process to her in the Ladies?
One of my Christmas gifts was a copy of "Police Brutality 2". This is a compilation of film clips showing the Old Bill hilariously beating the living daylights out of a dissolute bunch of unwashed rioters, protesters, travellers, mad hippie-women and assorted ne'er-do-wells; none of which you'd want to invite into your home, even if they were a close relative. It's so funny watching them being pushed face first into a fence or hit about the head by a couple of bobbies and then self-pityingly weeping into the camera, usually with a whimpering "We shall not be moved". Ha-ha, oh yes you will you simpleton. Oh and a taser, what great fun they look; boy does this make the monkey dance when they're hit a couple of times.
This was a much better choice than the usual DVD of some left-wing, alternative comedian who thinks it the height of sophisticated comedy to shout swear words repeatedly at the audience.
Poor old Quilp spent his New Year in hospital, not through his usual over-indulgence but due to his implants exploding. This is his belly implant not his breasts; I take it he does have breast and belly implants for what else could explain his comely girth and shapely figure? I'm sure he's not that shape through his own efforts?
Now, what have we got to look forward to in 2012? Well the good news is I'll be keeping my fee at the same level as last year otherwise the only people who'd be able to afford to visit are benefit claimants. I have no qualms about taking money or social security cheques off them but I do have some standards. I will, of course, increase this fee during the fortnight of the Olympics as most visitors to London will be foreigners and probably not understand that 500 Euro/US Dollar/Rouble/Yen notes are only worth about a fiver in the UK. Well the "Games" are going to cost £24 billion and we have to try and defray the costs somehow. I blame you all for this state of affairs.
Mi
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